A bone biopsy is in my future

I've got a bone biopsy scheduled for next Tuesday morning! I'm very, very excited that they were able to get it scheduled so quickly. This does continue to push chemo back, but I will simply cope by eating spicy foods and ordering undercooked dishes and appreciating how everything tastes normal to me right now. 

I'll continue to put updates here, so if you message me and I am super tired of going into detail about what's going on (because I go into everything here on the blog!), I'll just direct you to the blog. That's why I'm doing the blog. Please. If you wonder how I'm doing or what's going on with my schedule, it's going to be here! 

Perhaps this will be helpful to you

 I don't really know what's useful to other people, but I'd like to tell you how I'm thinking about things. (I have been assured that saying "well when you think about it, people die all the time in all sorts of ways and they don't have any warning at all" isn't helpful.)

So one of the ways I move through the world is to make decisions based on a very simple decision tree, which basically goes:

What do I actually want?

    Can I get it?

        What's the best version of the thing that I can get?

            How do I do that? 

What I actually want is to not have ever had cancer. That would be much more convenient. Can I get it? No. What's the best version of the thing I can get? To get the best treatment possible that balances my quality of life with good outcomes. How do I do that? By doing what I'm doing. 

I have great doctors, I ask questions whenever I have them, I understand why they want to do the tests they want to do, and I understand what will change depending on the results of those tests. The uncertainty right now is complicated for me and for the people around me, and I respect that. It might be harder to be my partner or my parents than it is to be me right now, because right now, I still physically feel fine. And I'm making decisions about my health. They can and are doing a ton of things to help me! And also they can't really do anything. There's a lot of control that you just have to give up when you're doing this. It's not comfortable.

I don't know what the biopsy results are going to be. I don't even know when the biopsy is going to happen. I know that whatever happens, I'm going to listen to my doctors, and I'm going to make decisions that make sense for me. I continue to not be upset or afraid (I was a little bummed when I first got the news today but that quickly settled into "hey I'd be really cranky if I got chemo and that wasn't the right course for me"). 

I sometimes wonder if my repeating that I'm not upset or afraid will come across as trying too hard to convince you that I am neither upset nor afraid, but I just want you to understand that this is how I am feeling. This is where I am at. You don't have to be there. You are going to feel whatever you're feeling, and you're going to be even more powerless than me to change things! I think that's kind of great. It's very freeing to know that you're doing all the things you can do, the things you're supposed to do, and things are going to just go however they go. 

There are many wonderful things about believing that you are in control of your life and your body and your destiny. And in many ways you are, and those things are true! But sometimes you forget that you only have this time. I'm spending a lot of mine appreciating the days I'm getting with my friends and my family and my cats and this body. I think some people get kind of mad at their bodies when cancer happens but I have had a GREAT time in here. I intend to continue doing that. 

I don't think there are any bad outcomes to be had here. There's good news and complicated news and a lot of waiting and a lot of tests, and it's all just part of this very long process. 

MRI results, changes to the timeline

Got the results back from the MRIs they did on my spine last week and the radiologist identified a couple of very tiny spots that they felt could be cancer. My medical oncologist is skeptical, as these are different from the areas that the nuclear bone scan showed as suspicious, but in order to be sure, we're postponing chemo for now in favor of trying to get a biopsy done. The tricky thing is that the spots are so small that the technicians might not be able to get samples. If that's the case, then chemo is back on and we'll just keep an eye on those areas.

I asked the doctor how things would change for me and my treatment based on whether or not these spots in my spine are cancer, and basically right now, if the cancer ISN'T in my bones, we're trying to cure it. So that's why I have such an aggressive treatment plan and I'm doing such serious chemotherapy. Ideally, at the end of all of my (currently) planned treatments, I'd be cancer-free. (I'd be fine with this, though the path to that outcome would be really, really rough.) If the cancer IS in my bones, then instead of trying to cure it (too late for that!) we'd be trying to manage it and keep it from spreading, which would entail a gentler regimen and probably a pill-based treatment. This would be easier on me in the short term, but in the long term, I'd have cancer. (I am fine with this too. Lots of people have cancer. Including me!)

So now I'm just waiting to see if and when they can schedule a biopsy, and I don't know if I'll be doing chemo or not. 

The initial feeling of the phone call is a bummer. But that's just the process of discovery, and I'd rather move forward with more information. I was excited (this is not exactly the right word) to get started with chemo, but if it wouldn't be the right course of treatment for what I've got, I'd be happy to skip it. 

Fell asleep in the MRI machine again

This morning, I had two MRIs (results next week, basically trying to see if the stuff in my spine is arthritis or cancer) and got word from my insurance case manager that my treatment plan (chemo) had been received and certified, so I'll be starting that next week! 

I also continue to ask the hospital billing department(s) many, many questions, and everyone is very patient about answering and helping me understand how it works (it's all very strange and confusing but there have been no surprises so far and everyone's been super helpful). 

The port site is looking good, just a little achey, not painful. It's normal-red, and will probably look even better tomorrow. I have a little peanut-shaped pillow to use in the car so the seatbelt doesn't rub against the port, and it's very helpful. The nurse navigator (at the hospital I'm going to I have a nurse navigator who is my main point of contact and sort of follows my treatment and handles all my scheduling. It's amazing.) gave it to me when we met for the first time. I've also sewn a smaller one to attach to my purse so I have it in case I'm in a different car. 

I have to get better about drinking water. 

A little bit about 2023 and the journey so far/why am I updating this ancient blog?

 So in February of 2023 I left a 20 year career in comics to do ?!?!? something else. The joke I made so persistently that people believed it was "leaving to start a podcast about how much I don't like the movie 'Avatar' by James Cameron." I did not start this podcast. I will never start this podcast. It will simply remain a performance piece that is constantly running off-off-off broadway wherever people gather and I am there and "Avatar" is mentioned in any way.

I would like to be very clear that my plan was NOT to find out that I have cancer and then spend the year doing that. But here we are. 

My attitude at this time is primarily "wow I'm glad I got that mammogram" mixed with "this is very inconvenient" mixed with "I don't know why people are being weird about this I have cancer, lots of people have cancer, I'm going to go through a pretty aggressive treatment regimen because OF COURSE I am going to do that, it's not REALLY a choice, like it's technically a choice but one choice is waaaay worse" and "please stop trying to introduce me to people you know who also have cancer, I promise I know so many people who have cancer." (Friends who have cancer, please, I would love to hear whatever stories you want to tell me. Because we are friends. We can also talk about not-cancer! I love to discuss my other interests and hobbies, and yours as well!) 

With that said, I am trying to accept all gestures in the spirit in which they were intended. It is, apparently, very weird when you find out that someone has cancer! There's a lot of flailing. That's fine. I appreciate that I know so many people who care about me and want to help. Also when the person running my chemo teach (a session where I learn about chemo!) said "so if you want to have visitors" and I cut her off and said "oh no thank you" and we just skipped the entire section. No thank you! I'll never know! Just let me play video games in peace, treasured, treasured friends. I love you so much. From a great distance.

The only thing I'm maybe angry about is that I am a person who has taken the pandemic very seriously. I continue to take it very seriously. I haven't really spent any amount of time indoors unmasked in public settings in like three years. And very, very few people in hospitals these days are wearing masks. So that's...complicated. It's fine. I'm angry about a lot of things (not the cancer, actually) when it comes to the pandemic, so this is a thing I was already mad about, and now I get to look at it. Apparently if my white blood cell count drops low enough, people will mask around me. Which is...something? I appreciate it? A COMPLICATED TIME TO BE A PERSON GOING TO A HOSPITAL A LOT.

So what's with this blog? I don't know. I think I'm going to forget things, I think my attitude about things may change (or maybe I'm going to get it 100% right from the start! An incredible achievement in cancer-having!). I'd like to be able to get these thoughts out of my head, and maybe I'll look at them, maybe I won't. I'm certainly imagining future me looking over these posts and going "wow you really thought it wasn't going to be that bad" and no, future me, I KNOW it's going to be REALLY BAD. So far it's been ok, though.

Very quickly: Mammograms: kind of uncomfortable, over pretty quickly. Not that bad (for me). Biopsies: I don't like them! They're very poky. Not too painful, just weird. And the lymph node one was sore for ages. MRIs: the contrast feels really cold and these are extremely loud. I also almost fell asleep in my first one. They feel very much like a science fiction movie. I don't hate them but I might change my mind on this as I have two more tomorrow morning very early. CT scans: the contract on these suuuucks. it feels unsettlingly warm and I was very aware of my heart for a couple of seconds in a way that I didn't care for. Yes, I have mentioned this to a medical professional in case it's important. It's fine. Nuclear bone scan: takes forever! not loud. I...also may have almost fallen asleep in this one. Port insertion: anxiety-inducing ahead of time because I kept worrying I'd forget about when I had to stop drinking alcohol or eating food and consuming liquids. Also there's a lot of waiting at the beginning. And a pregnancy test (boooo) and a blood draw and an IV line. The actual surgery? I was OUT. General anesthetic. Which wasn't too bad, came out of it well, a little groggy, a little sleepy. The surgery site feels pretty ok. I was expecting more pain, but it's just a litle achey. I did have a breathing tube (not completely intubated but at the back of my throat) and I've definitely been spitting out a little blood from that. Again, though, not too bad. I was also not nauseated at all, which was super cool. I basically went and took a long nap and didn't do much and it was a good day. The night before I had screaming nightmares about getting stuck in an elevator and missing my appointment and having to reschedule everything so I probably should have taken some anti-anxiety meds, but maybe next time! So that's everything so far. It's been ok. I have a great medical team, I live 15 minutes away from the hospital, I have good insurance thanks to COBRA, I have enough money that I'm not maximum stressed about that side though this is America so it is still a cause for the occasional panic attack because ANYTHING is possible here but mostly only in bad ways, but what I'm trying to say is that I'm just very, very lucky. So this is where I'm going to blog about my medical stuff, my mental state, how I'm thinking about all of it, how I'm handling it.

So if you're reading this, you probably know me, and you're interested enough in what's going on with me that you're reading this VERY long post. The tl;dr is I'm good. I'm happy, I feel good right now, I'm going to go through a bunch of stuff, and the hope is that I come out the other side in reasonable shape and ready to finally start that "Avatar" podcast.

Hello, guess who has thumbs and also breast cancer

Thisssss guyyyy!

This is a "here's how the cancer thing is going" blog now.

Short version: I had my first mammogram, they saw some weird lymph nodes, biopsy showed cancer, MRI showed a couple suspicious areas in my right breast, another biopsy determined that one was invasive, the other was noninvasive. It's between Stage I and II, prognosis is good, treatment is aggressive!

Today I got a port installed and I start chemo on the 31st. I'll be doing that for about 20 weeks, then a mastectomy, then radiation for 6 weeks.

I have great doctors and a nurse navigator and they handle all scheduling for me, plus I have contact information for everyone I have questions for (and I have many questions and everyone is very patient about that).

My parents live very close, I have outrageously supportive friends, and my main emotion at this time is "inconvenienced."

So, if you're worried, I'm doing great. If you want to know how you can help, I'll tell you once I figure it out.

In the meantime, I'll try to update here so you can keep up with how I'm doing and I don't have to send one million messages.

One Wonders Why One Even Has a Blog

Science cannot tell us!

I would love to say that I have some interesting news, and I suppose there's always interesting news! I travel, I have a super cool job, I have many, many cats (I know, it's just bragging at this point), sometimes I make food that turns out well. SO MANY BLESSINGS.

But between last December and now, there's been too much to really summarize. Things are fine.

The blog continues. Why the blog continues, again, I do not know. I cannot say. A secret or a mystery, both look the same from a distance.