Things are fine, no updates because nothing is different

I realized I hadn't updated in a while, so I wanted to let you know that the reason for this is that things are going well! Treatments have gone smoothly, I seem to be avoiding nerve damage (via "wearing little bags of ice on my hands and feet for the hour I receive Taxol"), which is a huge relief. I continue to do my physical therapy and occupational therapy exercises (some focus on strength, some focus on balance, some focus on flexibility), I am getting out into the world (cautiously, masked when inside), riding my bike, going for walks, having a good end of summer/beginning of fall. I am very excited for a drop in temperature because this will mean 1. no more mowing 2. TIME TO WEAR JACKETS! I love jackets!

So all of this said, things are going well, my mood is good, life is going well, I occasionally find myself going over what I'll need to do next. Not even "have surgery," more "I need to put a small table in the bathroom so I'll be able to get things without reaching beyond my range of motion post-surgery, I need to put the shower chair in the shower and I can use it as a place to keep things so they are easy for me to access, I need put my coffee stuff on a lower shelf so I can make myself coffee." I go over these things in my mind and I find myself muttering "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate all of this, I don't want to do any of this."

And it's true. I hate this. I don't want to do any of this. I want to not have cancer. I want to have never gone through any of this. But I do have cancer. I am going through this. It's even going well. I share this just to show you that even though EVERYTHING is going as well as possible, it also sucks. And I'm lucky! And I'm grateful. And I'm feeling pretty good and I'm not even upset about it most of the time. But sometimes I whisper to myself that this is so unfair and I hate it so much. And that's ok too.