first weekend after surgery

Last night, I had some wine and watched some Christmas movies on streaming services (standouts: "A Timeless Christmas," in which a workaholic from 1903 winds a magic clock, is brought to the future, and learns the true meaning of Christmas, and "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" in which sci fi favs Tricia Helfer and Eric Mabius are mayors of two halves of a town that definitely is operating without a city council or any governmental oversight and they, too, somehow learn the true meaning of Christmas via a holiday decorating contest to impress a candle company). I'm getting better at managing the drains, and the output is decreasing (which is good. I want it to be very low by the time I go back for my office visit so I can get them taken out). I'm feeling pretty good, getting used to the weird muscle twitches in the surgery sites. I like the way it looks. It's never something I would have done without it being necessary, but I think it looks nice, and my hair is (sort of) growing back, and I can finally see what my partner has been saying this whole time (which is that I'm still cute, I'm still going to be cute). It's nice. It's going well. It's different, but I'm happy with it. 

This body is adjusting

 There is a psychological queasiness that comes with surgery, for me. I don't really like to think about the mechanics of bodies, or the ways that systems connect and interrelate. I like just existing. I enjoy being in the world, in this body. Surgery forces me to reckon with the flesh, and I do not care for it!

This is all to say that there have been some muscle twitches below the surgery site, and sometimes I wonder if they're even real. It's very normal, I have medication to control them, but it feels profoundly strange. It's not even painful, just unsettling. I expect them to intensify as the healing process continues. 

With this particular surgery, the body wants to protect the surgical site. The impulse in the system is to draw in, hunch over, curl up. You can't do it, though, or things will connect in ways that you don't want. So I'm trying to be mindful about keeping my shoulders back, keeping my posture straight, basically doing the things my occupational therapist had my practice ahead of time. It requires effort, but it does feel better than hunching over (so that's good. it reinforces the posture I need to maintain). 

I sleep well. For everything that's happened, bodywise, it's easy to find comfortable positions and then settle in. 

The biggest challenge is resting. I don't like watching television or playing video games during traditional work hours, and in this particular recover process, it would actually be a great time to do those thing. I'm going to try today. Or I'll do laundry. Or I'll do both. 

Three days after surgery update

When I went home from the hospital on Monday, I had a compression bandage wrapped around my torso. It was pretty tight, and this kind of bandage is important both to protect the site and also to prevent fluid buildup, bruising, etc. Kind of like wearing a medical corset around the house all the time. That said, it made me feel like the surgical sites were well protected. 

My energy the day of surgery was surprisingly good, though I was a little out of it. The next day I felt very alert, and there was soreness but it wasn't terrible. I have pain medication to take if I need it, and I've been taking it a bit, but not too much. I also have a muscle relaxant that I take four times a day to prevent spasms in the surgery area muscles. My range of motion is limited, but I'm not feeling a lot of pain when I move my arms. Certain movements with my right arm do result in nerve pain, which makes sense, since that's the side where they took out some lymph nodes. Nerve pain is to be expected, and it's a very weird feeling.

I have three surgical drains that I have to manage, and this entails stripping the lines of tubing to make sure no clots of bits of tissue clog them up, and then emptying them into a measuring cup and recording the amount of liquid. It's actually very straightforward. I will have the drains for at least 2 weeks. The nurse has already told me that this surgeon will not take them out early, so that's helpful in setting expectations. 

If I leave the house, I have a belt that has two pouches for the drains that I can wear under my clothes. I went to Target last night and felt fairly normal. I walk around the house, I have gone out to run errands a couple of times, but I can't drive yet and I wouldn't want to do anything without someone around. 

The smallest cat in the house is getting a lot of good lap time. I had thought I might sleep in the recliner, but I have managed to sleep well in my own bed with a higher pillow stack than usual. Getting up in the middle of the night involves a lot of core strength, and luckily, that is part of what PT and OT prepared me for, so if anyone wants advice on going through this, one of my top tips is "get into physical and occupational therapy as soon as you can." I felt very prepared for surgery and recovery, thanks to all of the things they had me do to get ready. 

Today, I got to take off the compression bandage and see the site underneath. It looks good! I was expecting a mess, and it's just flat with some bruising. I think it'll look great when it heals. I'm very happy with how things are going (though I am ready to be done with the drains).

Surgery complete!

I had my double mastectomy yesterday and it went really well! I checked in at 6 am, surgery at 7:30 am, and I was home by 11:30 am. I'm sore today, and I'm still getting used to drain management, but I'm feeling shockingly good. I think there's a psychological element to it. I'm very relieved to have the surgery behind me. Radiation is still ahead, as well as pills and shots and ovary removal, etc, but I finally feel the sense of relief that I had expected to feel at the end of chemo. It's nice.

Ben is staying with me for the next couple of weeks to help with cats, me, whatever. I can reach the bottom shelf of the cupboards, and I can use the microwave, but anything higher than that is out of reach for me. 

I am very glad to have gotten the post-surgery garments with drain pockets, as they make things much easier. There's a lot of tubing, and I have to check the drains and empty them throughout the day (and I record the amount of fluid that's coming out). It sounds very weird, and it is very weird, but it's easy enough and not painful. 

The hardest part is going to be resting. I feel good, so I want to do things! But I just had surgery, and I know it's important for me to take it easy. I napped in the recliner quite a bit yesterday, and was able to sleep in my own bed last night (with a pillow stack). The cats were shut out of the room, and they handled it really well. No crying at the door, etc. Avalon likes to sleep on or next to me, which she won't be allowed to do for a while. But she can sit on my lap when I'm sitting up in the living room. Myrtle is getting shoulder time with Ben (she likes to be carried around like a baby, which I can't do right now just because of the incision areas) so she's pretty happy. My work sent me flowers, and my parents brought food. 

It's been a weird year, and it's not over yet, but I feel good right now. (I'm also on hydrocodone, so that's probably helping.)

Getting ready for the holidays

 I'm just having a cozy Thanksgiving week, going on walks with friends, spending lots of time with the cats, just getting the house ready for recovery time. I've repositioned the outside cat shelters and replenished their straw in anticipation of colder weather, I've got blankets out for the inside cats so they can nap as comfortably as possible (they are so comfortable) and today I've ever got the fake fireplace going. It's an old fireplace insert with a light behind plastic logs with a clear section to simulate glowing coals, and there's a spinner behind it that brushes tinsel against the plastic so it sounds like a crackling fire (and this also makes the light change a little). It's very cool. I found it at a junk shop a couple of years ago and I love it. I'll put a little fiberoptic tree up after Thanksgiving, and that'll probably be it for decorating this year! 

The only thing I need to do this week is make a cheesecake (there is a very good no-bake cheesecake recipe from Sally's Baking Addiction that I like), and some cranberry orange ginger topping for it (gonna wing it). 

I hope you're all staying warm and safe.

Surgery approved! hooray!

 I'm just living the end of "Batman: The Movie" starring Adam West where every nation is getting the good news. "Success, success! They've done it!"

Why, you may ask, have I not talked that much about surgery up until this point? Well, I was waiting for insurance to approve it. Because that's the world we live in, where your double mastectomy has to be approved by insurance before you can feel confident telling people about it. 

Anyway, I'll be getting a double mastectomy, plus they'll be removing a number of lymph nodes (since the cancer had moved into my lymph nodes, and that's how they originally found it). This will be happening the Monday after Thanksgiving, and the plan is for me to go home the same day. Originally I had thought I'd need to stay overnight, so this is great news. 

I'm not looking forward to it in the traditional sense, but I am looking forward to being done with this step.

Edited to add 1/16/26: I somehow didn't put anything in here about how there are garments specifically for breast cancer surgical recovery! There's a whole weird little boutique that's like a fancy lingerie shop, and you have to get a referral from the hospital to even go, and they work with insurance and you can get sort of compression tank top things with drain pockets to wear as you're recovering from surgery. You can also get prosthetics and garments with places for prosthetics if this is something that helps you feel more like you. (I didn't have any interest in the aesthetic garments but the recovery tank tops were INCREDIBLY helpful and it was worth the hassle of going to get them. Drain management is really annoying.)

What's after chemo

 As you have probably noticed, I don't post much when there isn't actually anything going on. My last chemo was two Fridays ago, and I'm feeling good. Last week, I had my pre-surgery consult with my surgeon, then later in the week I had bloodwork done and a short meeting with my oncologist. Surgery is scheduled for the 27th (just a few more weeks to go!) and after that, radiation. Everything is going well.