A quick aside about work and cancer and "feeling normal"

As I mentioned in the first cancer post, I left my job in February, and I have been looking for a new one that will be interesting and challenging and fulfilling in the ways I know a job can be. I've found some good stuff, I've gotten pretty far in some interview processes, but I haven't landed anywhere. And that's ok. I've done a little contract work, I've done a tiny freelance project, and I've been actively looking, and interviewing, and working with outplacement coaches, and redoing my resume (so, so many iterations! so many!).

I'm on unemployment, which necessitates at least three work search activities each week. One of the questions they ask you as part of this process is "were you able to work every day this week?" and the answer so far has been "Yes." I don't anticipate that changing, even after treatments start. The work I do is primarily editorial, and can be done on a computer from anywhere. Part of me thinks it's strange and foolish to not just step away from the work stuff, to take a break from thinking about this uncertain future, but the rest of me wants to keep things as normal for myself as possible, for as long as possible, since there will be SO MUCH that is not normal.

There's a lot of mental tension around knowing things are going to be different but not knowing how they will be different, wanting to keep as many of my routines as I can, not knowing what I'll have to give up, etc. Even when I think I have a schedule, it can change if new information comes to light. There's so much uncertainty. 

After the MRI results came back, I spent a couple of days thinking about what my life might look like if my cancer had metastasized. It was an interesting exercise, and one I have encouraged my parents NOT to do, because why would you worry when there's not yet anything to worry about? We all handle things differently. What is interesting for me to consider is devastating for them. I don't think about these futures because I'm worried. I try them on for size. I check with myself to see how I feel about these possible paths, because maybe it'll help me prepare for news when it finally arrives. I ask myself, if I had five years, would I feel cheated? No. You can do a lot of things in five years. If I had less time, it would still be enough time. Any amount of time is enough. 

Most of the time, though, I consider that maybe I'll go through all of this and come out cancer-free, and then I'll have time and health, and my future will be just as much of a mystery as it is right now. And I don't want to put the work of being alive and navigating that unknown future on hold for the months of treatment ahead of me. And so, I continue to look for work and think about what I want to do with whatever amount of time I have.