When I was first diagnosed with cancer, which was not very long ago, my ob-gyn (who I have been seeing for nearly 20 years) reached out to me to say that cancer doctors were going to be focused on my cancer, and it was up to me to remember that my life wasn't just the cancer, and that there were many things that made me happy that I needed to remember to engage with as a way of staying healthy and happy as I went through this process.
This came up today. I should explain that where I live, it's currently sunny and hot and very summery. Today is a holiday, so there aren't many people out, lots of people are doing yard work, and you can hear birds and squirrels and kids yelling playing outside. It's nice.
I got an ebike in spring of 2022, in part because I wanted to rely less on cars, in part because I love biking, and in part because I missed having a convertible, and having an ebike seemed like a good way of getting some exercise, traveling efficiently, and experiencing that feeling of sun and wind. After getting the ebike (which I absolutely love, and would recommend to anyone thinking about getting one, and if you want recommendations I have several but briefly: Aventon has some great entry level bikes, I personally have a Charge City bike and I love it, and Terns are BEAUTIFUL and if you wanted to fully replace a car with an ebike, that's how you could do it), I started biking more in general. I have a really lovely road bike (a 2014 Raleigh Capri with Shimano 105 components) and if you've ever had a bike you loved to ride, you'll know that going anywhere on it is a joy. So last year I started biking everywhere. If there was an errand within 5 miles, I was definitely biking. If there was a patio hangout within 10 miles (and eventually 13 miles), I was biking. I got very familiar with how to get around my city on a bike, I felt good, I loved it.
I will also mention here that sometimes I would push it, and I'd hit gravel, or I'd bike in high winds, and I'd end up falling. This is not a huge deal if you're a healthy person, most of the time! But as a person who is now going through chemo, this is a problem. I'm not going to heal the way I used to, so I need to be more careful. Initially, I decided that being more careful meant I just wouldn't bike. I assumed I'd be tired from chemo to the point where biking wouldn't even really seem possible. But today, I felt good, I needed groceries, and I wanted to bike. So I did it!
The store is just a mile away down side streets, and there's very little traffic. It made me so happy. I have biked down mountains and I wasn't as happy as just going a mile to and from the store to get a half gallon of milk. (I also got strawberries. I can still have fresh fruit, I just have to be sure I wash it really well. I don't know if you've had summer strawberries on a hot day, but they're pretty special.)
I think if I have enough energy to bike around a little bit, I'm going to do it. This is that ephemeral "the rest of my life" that I hadn't quite understood when my doctor was telling me about it. I'm going to ride my bike sometimes, I'm going to do it as safely and carefully as I can, I'm going to get strawberries because they look good and they're on sale, and I'll wash them and mitigate my risks wherever I can, but I want to enjoy this time. Beyond that desire, I know it's possible. And so I'm going to do it.
Maybe I won't feel as good later, and that's all right. I don't know how any of this is going to go, and I'm learning every day how I respond to the drugs and how I can manage my energy levels and when I should be taking meds to prevent nausea, etc. It's a constant process of discovery. But today I decided that I didn't need to stop doing something I loved just because I needed to be so, so careful. And that was the right choice for me. I'm so grateful for that 30 minutes of just biking to the store and back, feeling the wind and the sun, getting a little sweaty, eating a bowl of strawberries, and drinking a glass of ice water. I feel very alive. Because I am.
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