So for the first chemo treatment, I walked to my partner's house afterwards (it's only three blocks away and many people scolded me) and then I napped for like 5 solid hours. This was great. I didn't feel great but I mostly slept through it, so when I got home, I was tired, but it wasn't too bad.
For the second chemo treatment, I did call my partner come pick me up rather than walking (yay!) I scheduled a meeting for about three hours after I got done (boo!), because I wanted to get it out of the way before the holiday. The meeting went great and I regret absolutely nothing. However, this means I slept for maybe an hour between getting back and having a meeting, and then I didn't really go back to sleep much after that (maybe another hour, a lot of time lying on the floor with an ice pack).
Complicating all of it, the second chemo medication was given at a faster rate than the first time, and I experienced a little sensitivity to it (not dangerous, and I could have asked them to change the rate, but I was like "yes! faster!") and the downside to that was it felt like my nose was burning a little and I got a headache. I was also on my period. I will never not be mad that I have to be on my period while also having chemo. This is stupid. It's too many things.
In addition to all of that, every chemo treatment builds. So my expectation is that each one will get harder, and I will feel worse each time, and it'll take me longer to bounce back to feeling better, even with the steroids and the anti-nausea meds.
Anyway, there are many factors as to why I felt worse yesterday than I did after the first treatment. But mostly, I need to not schedule anything after chemo. After chemo is a time for me to rest, and revisit my ongoing dream of being Darth Vader's Dirtbag Friend, in which a beleaguered Darth Vader is constantly lending me his space car and I'm always bringing it back 1. damaged 2. full of snack wrappers 3. never fueled up and I DO NOT MENTION ANY OF THESE THINGS but I do say thank you. Anyway I don't know why this is the recurring Star Wars dream I have now, but I love it. This is a healing dream. I need to just go in on this, instead of "trying to be exceptional at my job" (which is going to happen anyway, it's fine).
Anyway, I've been confronted with the limits of my body! It's nothing new. I have a bad back and migraines, so I have been confronted with these limits before. I like to say "I am not my body" because it sounds cool, but what I really mean is "I am not just my body." That said, my body is pretty important, and the way it feels is inescapable to me, the person who dwells within it. I would compare my discomfort yesterday to a mild migraine, in terms of "feeling bad across a number of axes but not TOO bad, didn't throw up, DID believe I would probably feel this way forever." (A thing about migraines is when they are happening I always think that they'll never go away despite so much evidence to the contrary. And then when they go away, I'm shocked and delighted. Like a child.)
My partner drove me home last night and took care of everything around the house -- fed and medicated cats, cleaned litterboxes, brought trash and recycling containers in, etc, spent time with the cats so they got attention, checked on me -- and I took a shower and went straight to bed. I woke up at 2 a.m. feeling much better.
Having gone through the entire day, I would say that last night was a little like the night you might have after you've had way, way, way, WAY too much to drink and your body is like "what did you just do to me? please drink water, lie down, get an ice pack, let's try to get all of this out of our system as quickly as possible." And I mean, basically I'm getting a big dose of poison to try to kill the cancer, and the hope is that I'm strong enough to get through it relatively well. So far so good. You might be reading this and going "This doesn't sound that great, what are you talking about," and what I will say to you is that I used to drink Mad Dog 20/20 in college (parents, don't look this up). And amaretto sours. I have definitely felt worse.
I debated writing about this because I know that any time I admit that I'm not feeling great, people get really worried. Please remember that I am going through chemo because I have cancer. I am going to have lots and lots of days where I don't feel great. It's built into the equation, and there's no getting around it. It doesn't change my attitude at all. I'm here, I'm grateful, I love seeing all my medical professional folks, I feel good about my treatment plan and my future, and I'm going to continue to do things in the world even as I have days that aren't so great.
I will take it easy on chemo days from now on, though. I can learn this one thing. But when I'm feeling good, I'm going to go for bike rides! You'll never stop me! Ha hah!
Before I forget: A lot of people I know peripherally (not close friends, maybe former co-workers or spouses of friends or social media friends) have reached out to give me advice based on their lived experience with this process (either as patients or as care providers). Not always specifically breast cancer, but health concerns, other types of cancer, etc. I appreciate this so much. With every conversation I feel less alone, and more prepared for the things that are coming. As I have said before, there is community everywhere you turn. It's really a lovely and remarkable thing. I'm so lucky to have this.
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